New Gallery Posted: "Tollgate Canyon"

Last week, Eric and I reached a new milestone in our relationship, a.k.a. our five-year wedding anniversary. It has now been over five years since we tied the knot and embarked on the adventure that has been our life. I don't know if I would describe it in so many words however since it has seemed more like a rollercoaster of a life than an "adventure." Instead, adventure is, for me, an easy term to use when looking back on your life. It encapsulates everything from the good to the bad but doesn't seem to really do justice to the specific moments that have brought us to where we are. Getting married was just as much of an adventure as having Colette as going back to school as moving in with Eric's dad and Nancy in Farmington as reaching this new milestone in our lives. Describing all of it as an "adventure" eliminates the experience of it all and instead levels everything out. This is not to say, however, that an adventurous life is any more or less desirable than the rollercoaster of a ride our life has been, but if you were to ask me to describe what our marriage, what our life has been like, I feel it would be a cop-out of an answer. Our marriage has been an adventure. Let's move on to another topic now...

Of course, our marriage has been an adventure. What marriage isn't? What experience in life isn't? What is life without adventure but death? Or sheer stupor? The last five years have been an adventure, and the next five will be an adventure as well. We couldn't have predicted where we would be today, and we can't predict where we will be tomorrow. Such is the nature of an adventure. But such is not the nature of ourselves, and I suppose that is what makes for a good relationship: the idea that whatever happens, whatever adventures challenge the stability of your relationship, you still manage to stay together in the end. And that is what Eric and I have done.

I can't say honestly that it has always been easy. I can't overlook the hard times in favor of the good times because to do so would be to eliminate the lessons learned from the mistakes either myself or Eric or the both of us have made. It is not always easy balancing out the goals and aspirations each person has. It is not always easy getting on the same page. Some days, you may find yourself butting heads and wonder why it is that the two of you can't simply agree. I think people often make the mistake of thinking of married people as one entity instead of two. The reason why Eric and I may disagree every so often is really a matter of us being two different people instead of us being the same, plain and simple. And, it will perhaps always be the case that there will be times in our life that are more difficult than others because we may want different things.

Five years, and I talk about our marriage as if it has been more bad than good. But, this is really not my intent. I understand that our family and our friends want to look at us and see that we are doing okay, that we are happy and getting along well in life. I understand that it is important for everyone's own peace-of-mind. I feel the same way about everyone else, but I also understand that there are difficult moments in each and everyone's life that threaten the stability of our lives. And either those moments will cause us to suffer or they will cause us to grow stronger and move forward with our lives. I know you want to hear me say that they will do the latter because this is what I want to hear, but I simply cannot allow myself to say that that will always be the case. Because you never know. Such is the nature of life, and I refuse to make any predictions for what our future will entail.

Right now, what I know is that Eric and I have made it this far. I could take a guess as a consequence of that fact at the probability that we will still be happy and in love five years from now, but that probability really means nothing in the end. It is more for our own peace-of-mind than for anything else. But probability has a tendency to be just that. Probability is not certainty, and one day, you are going to have to learn to be okay with that. At least, this is what I have come to learn from all the many experiences I have had. Just because it may or may not be 100% likely that Eric and I will still be happy and in love five years from now doesn't mean that the percentage mark is eliminated at the end. Some days, it is 100% likely that it will rain, and then it doesn't. This is what life is.

I could reject this notion and proclaim outright that regardless of what happens, I will make it certain because that is what I want most. But that would not be in line with the way that life is. So, instead, I try to accept where life leads me over time. Almost six years ago, life gave me Eric. Just over five years ago, life provided me with a marriage that solidified our relationship. Almost four years ago, life brought with it the experience of a little girl named Colette who has every day served as a bridge between myself and Eric. Today, I celebrate over five years of marriage. Tomorrow, I may celebrate five more. These are the only things I can say for certain, and these are the only things I can say with absolute honesty.

To celebrate our five years of marriage, Eric and I went up to the Mahler Cabin as we have done almost every year since the year we got married. Here are some of the pictures we took while we were up there to mark the occasion:

As always, you can see any of the above images or the rest in their designated gallery: Tollgate Canyon.

Comments

[Jenny]

Not the most romantic of anniversary-type posts, but at least it was honest! I think a lot can be said for optimism. It has a way of transforming our futures into the ones we want most. What we put our focus and energy into, is what will materialize in our lives. :)

The photos are stunning as usual! Love you guys...

[Christine]

I'd like to be able to agree with you, Jenny, about optimism transforming our lives into the ones we want them to be, but I can't. It doesn't make me a pessimist by any means but simply a realist. Realistically speaking, I have been both optimistic and pessimistic all throughout my life and have accomplished a great many things through hard work and effort. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how hard I do work all of the time and how much I do dream of better things for both myself and my family. I do everything I possibly can to accomplish these things, and I am every bit as optimistic about them coming true as any other person out there. But the fact is, some things may not ever be realized no matter how truly motivated I am, no matter how truly motivated either myself or Eric are. I have had quite a bit of experience with this all throughout my life, but the point is is that it's okay. I dream of one day owning a nice house or starting up a coffee shop/photography studio, and it may be that I will never accomplish those things. That's not to stop me from trying. It's just to say that regardless of whether I accomplish those things in the end or not, it will be okay. I can be okay with me, with my life without feeling like I have somehow messed up.

Optimism is a great tool for a great many people out there to help them focus their efforts on particular goals and aspirations in life, and I do admire the ability to be optimistic even when life throws a great many obstacles in your way. But, for me, optimism only gets me so far before another instinct has to kick in. And that instinct is to be realistic and honest about myself at present. It doesn't do either myself or anyone around me any good to write a froufrou post about persevering against the odds because that is not necessarily what our life has been. Sometimes I have not persevered against the odds, and I have taken out my anger and my frustration on the people around me. This is not okay with me. It is not okay for me to be that person, so I have to be someone else. I have to be the person that will tell you upfront that no, maybe I'm not okay.

I am optimistic about our future together, and I am proud of what Eric and I have accomplished thus far. And my overriding realism will never stop me from pursuing my dreams, but I simply cannot agree that optimism will ultimately transform our dreams into a reality. Optimism needs the checks and bounds of skepticism to really get you that far, to get you to accomplish the things that you want to do in your life. This is what I believe, and I understand that you may believe something different. But, in order for me to be able to even think about getting through all of the difficulties that have been thrown my way in the past year alone, I have to be honest with you and with everyone about the way I feel.

[Amy]

Thought provoking post. You made a few statements that have a lot of meaning for me: "specific moments that have brought us to where we are" & "realistic and honest about myself at present" - These are two of the things that I value most in myself. I find a great deal of power in my ability to see events as "tipping points" and seeing myself clearly as a source of clarity, resolve and power.

Your milestones - most important and significant ones that resonate with me, as I can see in my own life how those kinds of milestones have generated self propelling energy that will continue to become who I am.

Thanks for your post. It is meticulously written and I have a feeling that your statements may have a unique and different effect on every reader - so that is what great writing will do!

[Christine]

Thank you, Amy, as always for your feedback! I always do appreciate anything you have to say in response to our own perspectives on the many different experiences either myself or Eric or the both of us have in life! And, I would have to agree that anything I have to say might have a different impact on each person that reads this post or any other, however I don't think that's directly correlative to my ability to write. I think that every effort at communication any one of us makes in life has the automatic effect of causing different reactions in the people on the receiving end. And, those reactions are then contextualized within our most general experiences of either the person reading this post or the person writing it. It is a two-way process and unfortunately has the added limitation of not being wholly interactive (which is what the "comments" section attempts to resolve!).

I do appreciate the compliment though and don't really know what to say in response except how I truly feel about it, a sentiment which we both share but which is more often doubtful than it is confident. If I were able to communicate effectively the ideas that I know both Eric and I share, then I believe there would never be any opportunity for conflict. But, I understand and accept that such a manner of communication is not possible as long as each and every single one of us is our own person and has our own beliefs and opinions about the world. Perhaps I was not wholly objective in my approach, but as I've said before, each effort at communication with someone is additionally contextualized within the experiences that we have had. And sometimes those experiences cause you to stand your ground regardless of the consequences of your actions.

Of course I want you, as Eric's most loving and affectionate mom, to know only that Eric and I are doing well, but as a mom myself now, I understand that what I want to know most about our beautiful Colette is that she will never be afraid to express herself in the most honest and self-confident ways. And so, above all else, this is what I hope I have communicated by making myself out to be an example which Colette can then imitate. And, I know that she can look up to you as an example of that as well!